CONSCIOUS REMINDER: “Why We Need To Stop Trying To ‘Fix’ People”

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals.”

~Pema Chodron

 

After college, I was hustling hard to get a work visa so that I could stay in the US.

But then my mom got caught up in a political scandal, and without much reflection on how much this would alter my life’s plans, I dropped my dream of staying in America, drove 1,000 miles, and flew another 500 to be by her side.

Would she have crumbled without me there? My mama is a tough chick, so I highly doubt it.

But at the time, I (subconsciously) believed that when the ones we love are hurting, their pain trumps everything. Their pain gets top priority, and whatever goals and dreams we’ve been working toward now pale in comparison.

At the time, I thought that love meant tending to the other person’s needs first, always.

And this form of self-sacrifice came naturally to me (I’d behaved this way even as a young child), so I was lucky, right? Having inherent caregiver qualities is a beautiful gift, right?

Yes. And maybe not.

Are You a Natural Caregiver?

You’ll know if you have this trait too, because people will often tell you their secrets mere minutes after meeting you.

When someone has just been in a car accident or broken up with their boyfriend, you wrap your arms around them and for the first time that day, their body fully relaxes.

People tell you they feel at home in your presence. Safe. Heard. Cared for.

There’s so much beauty in having a trait like this. Without much effort, you nurture and care for those around you. It is a gift you give us all.

But there’s another side to the caregiver coin.

Helping other people can become addictive. It can begin to feel like the only way to show your love is to prostrate yourself at the needs of others.

 

Oh, you’re hurting? Lemme swoop in and save the day.

Oh, you’re broke? Lemme dump my savings into your bank account and all will be well.

Oh, you’re single again? Lemme set you up with my neighbor’s son.

Whatever your ailment, I’ve got a fix for you!

And the gratitude from the people we’re supposedly ‘fixing’ tends to flow so steadily that we become convinced of the healthiness of our stance.

We’re confident that healing every sore spot we see is not only natural and enjoyable, but it’s the main reason we were put on this planet.

When you carry the Nurturer Gene, fixing other people can easily become a destructive self-identity.

You will martyr yourself over and over again in order to meet the invisible quota of Lives Helped that floats above your head.

You will obsessively analyze how every choice you make might impact those around you.

You will assess every meal, every dollar spent, every vacation taken (or not taken) based on how it will impact the people you feel a responsibility to care for.

Because, in this unhealthy version of caregiving, our understanding of love has become warped. Love now looks like a relentless string of sacrifice.

Your thoughts might go something like this:

 

If I don’t love her with my constant presence, she will feel sad and lonely.

If I don’t love him with my attentive eye observing everything, he’ll get sick again, or maybe even die.

If I don’t love them with my efficiencies managing everything, someone will get hurt. Things will go very wrong if I’m not here to take care of them all.

Sometimes, love calls on us to invest our energy and time in tending to someone else’s pain.

But not 100 percent of the time. And not with the nurturing going down a one-way street, pouring out of the same person, over and over again.

If you see this pattern in any of your relationships, consider what it would take to expand your definition of what it means to nurture, to love, to care for.

A healthy caregiver not only nourishes the needs of others, but also nourishes her own.

Holistic nourishment. Nourishment of the whole of us, for all of us—which includes you.

Self-nourishment might look like hiring a babysitter so you can have a romantic getaway with your hubby.

Self-care might mean taking the job on the other side of the country, even though it means you’ll only see your parents twice a year.

Self-love might be quietly soaking in a bubble bath instead of probing everyone for a detailed account of their day.

You are not responsible for the world’s pain.

Share your talents and resources. Generously give your time and attention. But you cannot pour a magical tonic on the wounds of every person walking the planet. It’s not your job. And if it were, it’d be a sucky job because you’d fail at it every single day.

Especially when we identify as being “spiritual,” we can lift up words like “compassion,” “generosity,” and “kindness” to such a degree that we forget that even “compassion” sometimes must say no.

Even “generosity” has to allocate some of her resources for herself.

And even “kindness” must muster the nerve to walk away sometimes.

If you are the person in your relationship or family or company that defaults to caregiver and wound-tender, give thanks for the ease with which you dish out your love.

But be careful about inhaling that caregiver role to such a degree that your identity becomes dependent on having someone nearby to nurture.

Give your love. Freely and deeply.

And trust that even if you’re not there to ‘fix’ them, everyone will be just fine.

 

 

~via ConsciousReminder.com

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INGA NIELSEN: “Twin Flames And Codependency”

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Twin Flames and other strong soul connections cannot come together in a codependent relationship. The love that these souls have for each other is simply far too pure, too bright and too divine to accept a pattern of codependency. However, the conditioning and life circumstances that many Twin Flames incarnated into make codependent relationships the only form of affection that they know. Consequently, codependency patterns are one of the greatest obstacles for Twins coming into a 3D Union.

Do we know the difference between codependency and twin flame love? Between loving unconditionally, and becoming a doormat? Between setting boundaries and pushing people away?

All Twin Flames are wired for Union. We may, or may not enter into it fully in this lifetime, but this is what our souls are yearning for. And yet the way we learned about love was often quite dysfunctional.

Almost all advanced souls had considerable difficulties growing up, often incarnating into very dysfunctional or damaged families. Most of us did not get a good picture of healthy love. Most of us spent our formative years having no idea what healthy love is.

Additionally, the collective ideas about “love” have outlived themselves. Twin Flame Union is not a “relationship”. The template of “relationships” that we have inherited is no longer working in our society. And this is not necessarily a bad thing! On the cosmic scale, we are undergoing a great transformation, especially in terms of the relationship between Masculine and Feminine. This is part of what the Twin Flames  are here to do — to help shift the ideas about “love”, to bring in the model of love that is based on a face-to-face communication of equals, the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine dancing with each other, on all levels, in all dimensions.

But this can only happen through healing.

Codependency and Inner Child Healing

The unbalanced love of a codependent comes from our wounded inner child. The deep and unprocessed wounds are causing us to either cling like crazy, or to push our Twin away, sometimes quite unconsciously, and often as if against our own will.

The wounded inner child feels she is not good enough. That’s what she learned, and that’s what her universe keeps reflecting unto her, until she is healed. Our bodies are not good enough, our education is not good enough, we are never competent enough, our identity (ethnicity, race, gender) is not good enough, basically, being our own self is not good enough.

The key to truly healing this wound is not to fight the harsh criticizing inner voice, or to forcibly numb it with alcohol, food, or over-achievement. Instead we have to try and rescue it – this inner voice is actually an integral part of us – a part which has been cut off from us, and is wounded and in pain. It is actually your inner child that is crying out for healing and comfort.

It is true that the twin flame journey is a process of ascension. There is no other way but up. But guess who is leading the ascension, guess who is the intuitive, the divinely connected part of ourselves? The inner child! The subconscious mind that acts out in ways that often perplex us. And so in order to go up, we have to go down into the basement of our pain, scoop up our inner child, heal her, and let her come out and play.

Healing and Fixing Others

I feel it’s easier to address the workings of the human mind by defining the many sub-personalities within us. And so let’s accept a working definition, that in addition to our inner child, we also have an inner parent. And if our inner child is unhealed, the inner parent will usually be over-responsible and out of balance, as well.

An over-protective inner parent reflects feelings of inadequacy. I feel inadequate, therefore, I will try to fix you. Everything is better than dealing with my own pain. Attempting to fix another person, to heal them against their will is the dysfunctional side of the inner parent. And if our inner child is not healthy, if our scared little boy or girl is sitting in a dark basement shaking with fear — our inner parent is guaranteed to be quite dysfunctional.

We need to balance our compassion with wisdom. If your child never gets to know that some things are unacceptable, he will most likely grow up into a monster. If you can’t say no to a child, who might be yelling and screaming and kicking to get his way, you are guaranteed to become the puppet of someone who doesn’t even have the maturity to know right from wrong. It is the same with our sub-personalities.

Trust. Trust that the Universe that brought you this far is not going to leave you now. Trust, above all, that they have their own capacity to heal. You don’t have to run out and heal their inner child against their will. Most times, all you can do is set the boundaries and do your own inner healing.

And you know what? It’s not only about you. Sometimes they will be our parent. The good parent who refuses to give us what we think is love. Even the unawakened, the seemingly irrational rejection by our Twin Flame  is doing us the greatest service of all — teaching us to love. To really love. To love ourselves, to love the Creator, to love the Beloved, to learn about what love really means. It is the service that their souls took on for us, a far greater service than what we can comprehend in the 3D, where we are fooled by appearances.

Why Is It Like This?

Meeting our twin flame is a powerful soul activation. So powerful that, in fact, all of our soul shows up, at least temporarily. I believe that only parts of our soul incarnate in each particular lifetime, to work on a specific issue or lesson. This is in part due to the nature of this world, where the 3D reality cannot “hold” the completeness of our soul. This changes when Twin Flames meet for the first time. The burst of energy that twins generate when they meet calls up the whole soul, from the highest heavens to the deepest dungeons.

This explains in part what happens during the separation process. Some parts of our soul that came up had been hijacked by dark energies, had been stuck in the lower levels, completely devoid of light and love. It is not just the inner child, it is those parts of our soul that are so desperate for even tiny morsels of light. Now that we have seen the light, we want our Twin to stay in the role of a Divine Lover for us. And they can’t, because they are not there yet, just as we are.

Until we clear this desperation, we are pretty much stuck. The Spirit needs to fill all the deep dark desperate corners of our soul. The parts of us that disconnected through trauma. The parts of us that have descended into hell, be it literal or metaphorical. The parts that are in utter terror to loose even the tiny bit of light, terrified to descend again into darkness. All of those parts come to the surface when we meet our twin. And the good news is — we get to heal those parts, no matter what.

As Above, So Below

If I feel really deprived and small in relation to my twin, and will put up with absolutely anything, this is also reflected in relation to the Universe. Somewhere deep within me is the perception of lack — that there isn’t enough coming from the Universe, that there isn’t enough love to go round, enough money to go round, enough jobs to go round. And the Twin is the reflection of what I think I deserve. Of my unworthiness.

If I see my relationship with my Twin that way, this is a reflection of my relationship with God. God is not there for me. Which, ironically, means I have to get it from my Twin. He is the best possible person I can get this from. And he can’t give me what I ask. This pattern only reinforces the already existing concept of lack. See, God doesn’t want to give me anything, he never wanted me to be happy in the first place!

We must learn to receive love directly from the Source. This is not about anyone giving love to us. This is about us becoming love. If we see love as something outside of ourselves, if we demand love from others, or blame them for not loving us, we are giving our power away.

We have learned from the society around us that love is out there, that we have to change to get love, not realizing that we can receive love just as we are. We don’t need to be anything other than who we are right now at this moment in order to be loved.

While we may understand this intellectually, and even think that we implemented it before in our lives, there are layers of our soul that have not integrated this concept. And these layers have shown up when we met our Twin Flame! The trick is to give up all our yearning and our sense of lack to the Universe, and ask to be filled. Ask the Universe to take over some of the parenting. You don’t have to do it all by yourself.

We need to heal our desperation to want our Twins in whatever way they show up for us. We don’t accept morsels. We are not undeserving of God, of love, and of deep communion. But to receive the higher, we need to say no to the lower. And for some of us, this is the hardest thing in the world. And there are no guarantees. But once we let go of the need to control the situation in 3D, once we heal that needy part of ourselves, the spiritual connection with our Twin Flame will shift. It will be like finding a pearl that is so precious that everything else pales in comparison. Everything we owned, needed and strove for becomes just an empty sound.

Ultimately, this is about us becoming One with the Universe.

 

 

 

by Inga Nielsen,
Guest writer, In5D.com

About the author: Inga Nielsen, MPH, brings in a unique combination of knowledge, metaphysical and practical, as well as deep-seated passion for healing and communion with the Divine. Inga assists people in connecting with their higher selves, spirit guides and high beings, through accessing the Akashic Records. Inga was trained in a variety of healing techniques, including hypnotherapy, inner child work, meridian therapy, breathwork, yogic practices and energy clearing. Inga is a Reiki master and a professional intuitive. She is here to assist people in raising their vibration and living from their soul, as facilitators of their own ascension. You can find out more about Inga on her website, healing-radiance.com.

ALEXA PELLEGRINI: “Love Yourself First: Creating Healthy Relationships in a Superficial World”

Love Yourself

In the last several years, websites like ChristianMingle.com and Match.com have soared in popularity. Tinder and dating apps have blown up on social media. But relationship issues and loneliness are still more of a problem in our society than ever, and most of us continue to have a difficult time understanding the foundations of love. So, what is love – not just romantic love, but healthy, spiritual love? What does it mean to be in a genuine, loving relationship, and more importantly, how can we all find one? Here are some insights into improving your dating life so you can avoid unfulfilling relationships and get closer to discovering the healing power of love.

Finding ‘True Love’: It’s All About Your Energy

Relationships work on the basis of energetic attraction. The more you neglect loving and accepting yourself, the more you’ll encounter Karmic relationships that will show that this needs to change. To understand ourselves on a higher level, we tend to attract and be attracted to others who mirror our inner wounds. Instead of healing us, these people just exacerbate our pain – and yet ironically, these are the relationships we struggle to escape the most, because our souls are begging for us to heal ourselves! If we have a deep desire for attention, we may be attracted to a narcissistic person who denies us the attention we so desperately seek. If we have a strong need to be validated and nurtured, we may be attracted to someone who pull away the more we chase after them – and so on. There is a variety of ways we can go ‘wrong’ in our personal relationships by trying to deal with our inner wounds through our partners.

You’re probably wondering: how can this be avoided so we can get the relationship we really want? The solution to finding genuine, loving relationships that don’t reflect our identity crises is simpler than you think. Of course, it all starts with love – but not by giving all of your love and everything you have to the person you’re with, so you can convince them to love you wholeheartedly in return. It’s by showing all of that love and care to yourself.

Making Simple Changes, Day by Day

Repeat after me: you don’t need to prove you’re worthy or lovable to anyone – you already are. If you struggle to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re worth everything you have (and more!), it’s important to realize that some serious self-work lies ahead in order to find the relationship of your dreams.

Forgive yourself for all of your past mistakes. Give yourself a pat on the back for the wonderful things you’ve done and how hard you work every day. Look into your eyes and tell yourself that you are lovable and loved – over and over, until you really believe it. These behavioral adjustments are necessary for you to heal yourself and move on from words and events of the past that are holding you back from stepping into your own power and building healthy relationships. Don’t look for someone else to do the hard work of loving and accepting yourself for you – you can rise to the challenge and take on the quest with vigor and courage.

Love Yourself

Forget Flowers and Candy: Think Friendship and Forgiveness

Affection, gifts, romantic gestures and great sex are all hallmarks of a healthy, functional relationship, but it doesn’t stop there. We’ve all seen in movies and on TV how sexy, romantic relationships often end in heartbreak, how even the strongest of chemistry between two people often leads to nowhere except a series of one-night stands or a dysfunctional relationship. Yet society tells us that fantastic sex and romance are the defining features of a happy relationship, all while friendship and forgiveness are neglected.

Without being able to connect and empathize with our partners on a human level, we lose the ability to forgive their mistakes and realize that they aren’t solely around to fulfill our emotional, physical and financial needs. Codependency, resentment and declarations of “that’s not fair!” and “you don’t care about me as much as I care about you!” are usually the hallmark of these kinds of relationships. When we fail to see our partners as not only our lovers but our friends, we lose the ability to identify with them on a deeper emotional level and the energetic balance in the relationship is totally thrown off.

Here’s an exercise: in your mind, have your best friend and your partner switch places. How do you treat your best friend? Do you give your friend healthy space, reasonable forgiveness and support for their dreams? Do you do the same for your partner? Creating a feeling of friendship between you and your partner is the easiest way to try to heal a failing relationship.

©Universal Copyright 2015 is authorized here. Please distribute freely as long as both the author Alexa Pellegrini and www.QuantumStones.com are included as the resource and this information is distributed on a non-commercial no charge basis.